Open mouth – Insert my big fat foot!

Well I sure learned a big life lesson today!  I should start by saying just because I know these steps…. doesn’t mean I’m any good at doing them.  I don’t know if we ever get good at it.  But, we get better which is something.  Ok, I’m procrastinating.  Dawdling.  Kicking dirt around trying to put off saying what needs said.  Alright, here it goes.

I took a deep breath and told my mom and sisters that I was starting a blog.  Other than my daughter, nobody else really knows about it.  It’s a really scary thing to put your ideas out there for the world to see.  What if they think I’m weird?  What if nobody likes it?  What if nobody even cares to read it?  Scary stuff.

So, I told them about it and asked them to tell me what they honestly thought.  One of my sisters said it was deep.  Made you think.  That was about it.  My stomach sank.  That was it.  My blogging was over.  She hated it.  She thinks I’m just a big weirdo and probably an embarrassment to the entire family.  I might even be an embarrassment to all mankind.  Well, I gave it a try.  Game over.

That’s my go to thoughts.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not smart enough.  I’m not pretty enough.  I’m not funny enough.  You get the theme here right?  I’m not enough.  I know in my head that’s not right.  I know intellectually that’s not right.  But as soon as I feel questioned, that’s right where my heart goes.  I’m not enough and people won’t like me.  I really, really, really need to work on that.  I’m trying, but jeesh is it hard.

Did my sister say any of those things?  Nope.  Did she think any of those things?  Probably not.  The point is, I assumed she did.  I completely broke step 2.  Don’t assume you know what people are thinking, because you don’t.  The truth is, she was in the car and didn’t have time to write anything more.  It was amazing that she was able to read it all that fast.  But she did.  For me.  And what did I do?  Because she didn’t gush over it and tell me what an amazing job I did, I went straight to “She hates it.  It’s true.  I’m a weirdo”.  I went to bed last night with a sinking stomach and an aching heart.  But, the key to all this is….before I went to sleep, I practiced each of the steps.  When I woke up, I kept practicing them.  Sometime around 9 or 10 a.m. I was feeling pretty contented again.  I created some peace for myself.  Theeeeen I found out that she didn’t hate it and doesn’t think I’m a weirdo (at least not right at this moment).  Let me tell you what my steps were so maybe they’ll help you.

  1.  I told myself “I’m feeling sad and anxious and that’s ok because I’m going to work to bring peace to my life.
  2. Even though I didn’t believe it in my heart, my brain and my mouth said  “I don’t know for sure what she thinks of the blog”
  3. “I am so grateful that I get this chance to work on accepting my flaws and loving me for me.  I am so grateful that I have a sister who will tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it.  I am so grateful that I can learn more about myself through this blog”
  4. You know this is the step about “do unto others”  well I aimed it right at me this time.  I went with the “do for yourself what you would do for others” angle, because I am much more kind to other people than I am to myself.  Yet another thing I need to work on.  Did I tell you I’m a work in progress?  I decided that if I was talking to a friend who was feeling like I did, I would say “You’re trying your best with the blog.  You just want to share what you know and help people, how is that weird? If everyone doesn’t agree with you, that’s ok”
  5. I practiced my deep breathing, PMR, and visualization.  For the visualization you would probably think that I went with the cheerleader route and envisioned myself having a successful blog and my sister loving it and showering me with praise.  Nope.  That’s easy to feel relaxed and at peace with.  I went the opposite direction.  I started in my happy place (a mountain meadow) and from there I imagined everyone hating the blog and people thinking I was weird.  And I imagined myself being ok with that.  See that is one of my hang ups.  I think everyone needs to like me.  They don’t.  That’s ok.  And it needs to be ok with me.  So I visualized people not liking me or my blog, and me being at peace with it. 

    Well, I think it is probably a good time to text my sister and tell her I’m sorry for thinking she hated the blog.  She’ll wonder what on earth I’m talking about because she has probably not given this a thought.  After all, she had no idea I thought she hated it.  Then she’ll say “That Molly is so weird”.  It’s ok.  I’m good with that.  Life is good.

    I wish you much peace,