Ok. I had an epiphany. I don’t know if it happened because of my meditation or because I have been practicing my gratitude or if it was because I visualized. Or maybe it just happened and it had nothing to do with anything that I did. This is what I do know. I got my answer to my last blog. When I wrote the Monday Blues blog, I was feeling lost and unhappy. I was sad and scared and anxious. I was not content. I was thinking those negative feelings were caused by my job or by the fact that I had to work at all, when what I want is to be a stay-at-home grandma. What I discovered was, my unhappiness had nothing to do with my job or working or not spending time with my kids. It had to do with me and my own thinking. I’ve been practicing these steps to gratitude for a long time now and yet for some reason, my brain just wasn’t opening up to this. Probably a forest for the trees kinda thing. My brain was just closed around the fact that I don’t want to work and I wasn’t happy with my new job.
Here’s what I was finally able to open my mind to after working at the steps to contentment. It doesn’t matter what job I have. It doesn’t matter that I learn how to do my new job quickly or slowly or even at all. It doesn’t matter if I can get my weekend chores done during the week. It doesn’t matter that I find time to babysit my granddaughter every week. It doesn’t matter if I get to visit my daughter in Minnesota every month. What matters is that I am content with whatever I am doing. If I can’t find contentment in every moment, then it isn’t going to matter if I get what I want. Because when I get it, it won’t be enough for long. I’ll want an even better job. Or I will want to babysit two times a week. Or I’ll want to visit my daughter twice a month. It will never be enough until I can be content with what I have. Oh boy. This is going to be hard. My brain is telling me all this while my heart is saying, “But I want to be with my kids more. I don’t want to work”. How the heck am I going to fight this?
I’m going to fight my blues with the steps I’ve been talking about. I’m going to take responsibility for my happiness. I’m going to keep practicing my gratitude. Over and over and over and over and over…. You get the picture. I’m going to keep trying to treat people with love and kindness, because that’s what I want. I’m going to work to have a forgiving, peaceful heart because I want this world to be at peace. I’m going to practice my relaxation and visualization to help me become a better person. I have a really, really, really long way to go. So very far. But, I’m going to try. Because if I can’t get this right, it won’t matter what job I have or how often I get to see my kids and grandkids or anything else. Because eventually, it won’t be enough. Only through loving myself enough to bring peace to my heart can I find happiness. Happiness is on the inside – not the outside. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it was on the outside. Because I’m a mess on the inside. I have a lot of walls built up to protect my heart, my ego and my self-esteem, that I have to dismantle brick-by-brick. That’s not going to be easy. But if I want peace, it’s what needs to be done. Oh boy, do I need to get busy.
Let me know what you think about this idea. Am I nuts? Think this will work?
Wishing you much peace,