It’s Now or Never

I just wrote an entire blog about living in the present moment and when I got done, all I could think about was how preachy it sounded.  I feel that way about most of my blogs.  They just end up sounding preachy.  When really, I don’t know anymore than anybody else.  I just like to think about this stuff.  I just want to be happy more than I’m not and so I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to take charge of that so I don’t depend on other people or things for my happiness.  So how do I write a blog about finding your happy without sounding like I’m the raja paja telling people what to do?  Beats me.  I guess today I’ll just write about what’s happening to me now.

So, the big thing in my life today is the same thing that was big in my life yesterday and the day before.  I don’t like my job.  I left my last job when I quit liking it.  I’m starting to see a pattern here.  I’m starting to think it’s me.  But that doesn’t matter.  What matters today is I don’t like my job.  I’ve been doing the steps to happiness and I still don’t like my job.  Now what?

I’ve been reading a lot about mindfulness and living in the “now”.  Ok, I get it.  The past is just memories.  It’s not real.  It’s just my perception of what happened in the last second or yesterday or last year.  It’s not real now. It’s in my head.  Got it.  And the future hasn’t even happened yet so of course it isn’t real.  It’s just what could happen.  Got it.  But what happened yesterday and what could happen tomorrow sure do make me anxious.  Most days that I’ve worked at this new job, haven’t been great.  Based on that pattern, I’m guessing that today will not go great either.  Based on that, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that tomorrow will be stinko too.  Then I start to get anxious at the thought that I’m in a job that will never make me happy, and I will be stuck in it for all eternity.  Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  I know.  My job can’t “make” me happy and it can’t “make” me sad.  Only I can do that.  And I can find happiness in any situation.  Yeah Yeah Yeah.  Tell me that when I’m miserable.  Ok, maybe I’m not miserable, but I’m sure not content.

This is where I’m trying to work on my mindfulness and my steps to contentment.  I am accepting that this job is not what I thought it would be.  And that’s ok because I know that I’ll be ok.  It doesn’t matter what my job is, it matters what my mind is telling me.  So I have to stay in the present and not think about what happened yesterday or what could happen tomorrow.  I spent all day yesterday thinking about how much I hated my job and it was a bad day.  Today, I’m not going to do that.  I’m going to try to focus on what I’m doing all day.  I mean that very literally.  Whatever I’m doing, I’m going to focus completely on that and not think about a million other things at the same time.  I’m not even going to multitask.  One thing at a time with my full attention.  When my mind strays, I’m going to practice deep breathing.  I’m going to tell myself that I’m so grateful to get the chance to practice mindfulness and the steps to contentment and I’m going to really try to feel God inside of me.  Every single time that I have a negative thought about my job I’m going to stop and picture God inside of me and I’m going to see myself being at peace.  You might ask “Aren’t you just ignoring your problems”?  Nope.  In the practice of mindfulness those problems aren’t real because they haven’t happened yet.  I’m worried that my day is going to go bad, and it hasn’t even happened yet.  I’m worrying about something that isn’t real.  I just have to focus on right now and what is real right now.  Hope it works!  Fingers are crossed.  I’ll let you know at the end of my day how it worked!

 

Well, my work day is over.  It was better than yesterday.  Was it because of me and my mindset?  I don’t know.  Probably in part.  What I do know is that it was a better day.  I didn’t want to cry on my way home.  I even felt like I could keep doing this job for another year or two without wanting to throw up.  That’s improvement.  So, what did I do different?  Exactly what I said I was going to try to do.  I tried really, really, really hard to stay in the present moment.  When I started to worry about how I was going to do things that worried me, I stopped myself and said “That hasn’t happened yet.  I’ll think about it when it happens”.  I also stopped during my lunch break, closed my door, and practiced deep breathing and progressive muscular relaxation.  Then I visualized my happy place and me being in total peace.  Sounds really hippy dippy, but what a wonderful way to spend 10 or 15 minutes of your day.  Instead of worrying about what I was going to do with my life, I emptied my mind and was just at peace for a few minutes.  I’m sure not going to complain about that.

 

I don’t think that I’m pushing my problems down and ignoring them.  I know that there are definite problems with my job.  I know that I would like to have something that fits me a little better.  So I’m looking for something that might be a better fit.  And in the meantime, I’m working on myself.  I need to be able to find my happy no matter where I am and what job I have.  My peace of mind can’t be dependent on my job.  So, I’m going to tell myself that I’m not a big loser for wanting to quit this job that I just started.  I’m going to tell myself that while people will be disappointed in me, I have to do what is right for me.  And, I’m going to keep working on these steps to contentment.  I’m going to keep trying to concentrate on what is happening to me now not what might happen in an hour from now.   Here’s hoping it works!  Fingers still crossed!

 

Let me know what you are thinking.  Try this stuff out and see if it works for you.  It sure can’t hurt anything.  And it might bring you a little peace for 5 or 10 minutes of your crazy day.

 

Wishing you all the peace in the world,

Molly